So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
