I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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