Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
