It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
