your parents love me but you hate me
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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