Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize