he puts the penis in happiness.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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