Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
