when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
