why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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