I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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