He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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