We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
