I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
