I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
