Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
