Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
