I hate your face
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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