You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
