if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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