3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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