The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
