nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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