Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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