My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
