"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
