Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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