Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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