Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Less talking, more tequila
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
