Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize