she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
