no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
