here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
