fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
