Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
