just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
