He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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