Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Less talking, more tequila
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
