Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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