It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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