Taylor Swift is so right about you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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