yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
