Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
