I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
