Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I forget how to act sober
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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