I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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