we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
