Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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