i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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