i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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