I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
