Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
