oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
