Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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